When I miscarried (continued)

Thursday July 28th, 2012

I don't know what to write about today. But I really want to make writing a habit, so even if I write pointless nonsense, at least i'm writing. :)

For the record, I did want to note that I have felt remarkably better the past couple of days. It's because I have been taking LifePak and Vitality. (Basically just the best multi-vitamins ever.) SO- FUTURE MADISON! REMEMBER TODAY! And be assured that if you fall back into a debilitating black hole, THOSE FEELINGS GO AWAY. They don't last forever. As never-ending and as hopeless as you sometimes feel, THOSE FEELINGS CANNOT AND DO NOT STAY. Past-you (aka me at this passing moment) feels GOOD and is POSITIVE. I am HAPPY. You have purpose and you always will, just sometimes when you get in silly ruts, you forget! And then, when you feel better, you wonder why you felt so low in the first place. You're welcome. :)

On another note, my wounded uterus has maybe (lets cross our fingers) stopped bleeding. Which is nice because today is the one week anniversary to my D&C procedure. Not really an anniversary that i'm keeping track of or want to remember, but i'm proud of myself for the progress i've made in the last seven days. The other day, I was having a hard time feeling like I was never going to get past this grieving process, and then I had to remember it had only been five days. I know I'm not done grieving by a long shot, but i'm glad the initial shock is over.

I can't explain that feeling to anyone. I guess only people who have miscarried can really understand. It's awful. 

I wanted that baby so bad. I was so excited every morning to look in the mirror and see my growing belly, even though the rest of me was getting fat. Every time I felt nauseous or crampy, it made me smile because I knew they were signs of a growing life. I was so excited for chubby cheeks and soft skin and morning jogs in the stroller. I was excited for diapers and late nights and even LABOR, for heavens sake. But I think I was most excited to see the look on my husband's face when he held our little creation for the first time.

If I could give my husband anything in this world, it would be that. He is going to be an astounding father. 

It is so hard knowing I lost all of that in an instant. I know I can try again later, and some would argue that it's not really "lost", but it is. 

Not lost forever, but lost for now, and that's enough.

Our little angel. We created it. we were growing a human being. A PERSON! I don't think people fully understand how miraculous that is. It's no wonder things go wrong. 

So I found out I was pregnant on May 6th. It could arguably be the best and exactly worst day of my life. Knowing what I know now. It was one of the happiest then,  but now looking back I sometimes wish I'd never gotten pregnant. Of course, we can't avoid trials and I am unbelievably grateful for the opportunity we had to conceive perfection for those short nine weeks. I love that baby. It's ours and it will be ours again. 

So I guess I don't really regret getting pregnant. I just hate not being prepared for things like this. I hate feeling it all. But after a few sessions with my therapist, being scared to feel things is another problem or "kink" I need to work out. 

It's all a blessing, then, that I don't have this perfect life to care for in my perfectly imperfect world. Maybe God let this happen because he wanted to let me appreciate his children on a deeper level before I raised one of them. Maybe he knew there were things that would come up out of nowhere that we would have to fix. Maybe he knew I was battling all sorts of emotional dysfunctions and there are some that would never have been addressed if I hadn't had a traumatic experience like a miscarriage. 
Maybe he had to scare me a little bit to make me more brave.

Of course he did. :) He knows everything. 

That's why he's GOD. and that's why I love him :) 

(Hey, look. I found something to write about.) 

GOODNIGHT!


Friday, June 29th 2012

I just talked to my grandma and sister for the past hour about my mom. My parents are going through a lot right now. I'll have to explain everything on a day when I have more time.

I just (also) went on a very long walk with my adorable husband. He always makes me feel better. He is one of the only people that can give me advice that i'll actually listen to. He makes so much sense. I love him.

And today our car putted up a hill. So we decided not to drive it until we can get it fixed. Which caused us to have to walk everywhere. Okay not everywhere, just to the movies to see Brave. (Which is basically in our front yard..) But I liked it. We should walk more often.

Two things I am grateful for today
1) That our car broke and we used our legs to get places :)
2) That I have actually been writing every day.

When I miscarried

So this post is going to be a doozy.

I might sound a little depressing because i'm going to be posting some old journal entries I wrote a few months ago. Right after my miscarriage. I just think it was an incredibly important time in my life. and one I don't ever want to forget. I want to remember every detail.

Does that sound weird? It probably does. It was a traumatic event! Who wants to remember things like that?

Well, welcome to my life haha. I don't like to forget the scary stuff, because the scary parts of life are what teach us the best lessons. If we forget what we were afraid of, we might repeat the fear and be scared again.

Remembering everything helps me to also remember why I am now a better person. It helps me remember that there is nothing to be scared of anymore when it comes to pregnancy because i've already suffered the worst thing, and I got through it :)

So here goes.

Tuesday June 26th, 2012

Technically, it's WEDNESDAY the 27th, because it's maybe 12:45 AM, but i'm not big on technicalities so lets just forget about it.

OH BOY.

I haven't written in a journal for probably a year or two. I've been married for almost 10 months now. My husband just started breathing heavy while looking at his phone, which probably means he's fallen asleep while holding it in his hands....

...yep.

        I know him too well :)

Do I need to introduce myself? Because i'll be honest, I'm definitely not the type to talk to my journal like it's a person, but I do believe one day, SOMEONE will get their hands on it. So I feel like I need to make sense of everything so that person doesn't get confused. So, if you are perchance reading this right now, i'm not going to tell you to stop. Heck, we all know you won't anyways. In fact, I actually am going to encourage you to keep reading. Because I think all of us in the back of our minds secretly want people to see even our most private thoughts. Because then, they would see us for exactly who we really are. Or at least that's how I feel... I just think it would be nice not to have to explain myself to people. Besides that, probably the first thing to know about me is that I am NOT a very private person. So be prepared to hear some good stuff.

Wednesday June 27th (officially)

My name is Madison Anne Lyman Harward.

I am 21 years old. I will be 22 years old on October 17th.

My husband's name is Casey Scott Harward.

He is 25. He will be 26 on July 9th. (That's in 12 days)

The reason he bought me this journal is because he and I thought it might be a good idea to get my thoughts out on paper. Remember how I said I wasn't a very private person? Well, the down side of that is that it makes me a very openly emotional person.

And the reason why i've been (justifiably) increasingly emotional lately is because we just lost our nine week old baby...

In other words, I had a miscarriage. One week and two days ago.

To be honest, I don't even know where to start with my emotions. Writing them down helps, but for some reason i'm noticing my mind draws a blank every time I pick up the pen. 

Today, however, was a very good day. Casey and I went to Seven Peaks. It felt good to walk a lot and go on all of the slides. It was nice to be reminded that I can still be happy. Until today I really doubted my ability to be happy again. Or at least until I had another chance at a baby. 

I know I will get that chance again someday. And when that day is exactly, I have no idea. You'd think it wouldn't be that way because the decision to try for a baby is completely within our control. But I want to makes sure I'm ready. 

Which isn't like me. At all.

I am so impatient, I drive myself crazy. Usually, I let my emotions control my decisions. But this isn't just ME i'm dealing with in this situation. I'm having to respect my husband's thoughts on the matter as well, besides the fact that we are timing a HUMAN BEING'S LIFE. And if Casey and I aren't mentally or physically prepared to take care of that life yet, we need to wait.

I don't want to just jump into having another baby just because I think it would cover up or get rid of the heartache I have about losing this one. Even though part of me believes it would. 

It's not fair to me or that baby.

I know I have to let myself grieve, but it is SO much harder than people think. Don't get me wrong, feeling sad isn't hard. That's kind of human nature. It's our "default". We naturally go to those feelings during hard times. In my eyes, it's a million times harder to force myself to be HAPPY than it is to just be nothing. Just to feel nothing. Because we, as humans, can do that too. We can shut out our feelings if we want to and not feel at all. But "nothing" isn't necessarily a good feeling either. Because that's when you are numb.

It's just really hard because these sad feelings don't go away during a time like this.

They just keep coming and you can't turn them off.

I mean you can try but it's hard to keep them off. There are far too many things that signal the "on" switch.

It's like being in a room full of  THOUSANDS of light switches. All of the light switches are turned on. There is only ONE off switch clear at the end of the room in the midst of all the other ON switches. So first, you have to FIND the off switch, then you have to have enough energy to keep running to the end of the giant room to just turn everything off. (and it doesn't stay off for long.)

My brain doesn't have that kind of energy.

Because (here's your first big secret) I suffer with a little bit of depression. So my brain has to work about 10 times as hard to be as happy as a normal person. It gets exhausting. Sometimes it's easy to just sit and cry!

But you want to hear the cool part? I didn't cry today!

Finally a post about my husband.

Here we are 

:)

This was maybe the 2nd picture taken of us on September 2nd, 2011.Minutes after we had sealed the deal!We were finally married.

Now, I say finally, but it really wasn't all that long of a wait.

I, myself, am 21 years old (barely) and my husband is 25.

We met on February 4th, 2011.

No, that was not a typo. We met in 2011, we got married in 2011.

I guess you could say we are PRO at making quick decisions.

But, I can promise you, that decision alone was the best decision I have ever made in my entire life. And no amount of tears, years, or fears is going to make me think otherwise.

My name is Madison Lyman Harward.

As I mentioned, I am 21 years old.

In 2010 I graduated from the Utah College of Massage Therapy.

I graduated, but legally, I am not allowed to perform massage in Utah.

Thats because my licensing didn't go through and I have not yet had any money to re-pay for the darn test in order to get licensed.

And to be quite honest, I dont love massage enough to want to spend any more money on it than I already have. We will list that as my wonderful

**MIS-STEP/NOT REGRET #1**

Mistep - because I probably wish I would have just gotten myself into regular school instead of wasting 12,000 dollars and a year of my time on something I would eventually not have enough of a passion for.

Not regret - because I believe that I learned more about myself and what I DO want to do in that years time than I ever have in the other 20 years of my life.

Shortly after graduating,I moved up to Rexburg, Idaho with my best friend Jaimee.

I wanted to go to a real college and study things that gave me purpose.

Unfortunately, I didn't get my application into BYU-I in time, and was forced to live in off campus housing, work two jobs in Idaho Falls, and NOT get incredibly homesick all at the same time. I moved home two months later.

I blamed it on the weather.

**MIS-STEP/NOT REGRET #2**

After moving home, I had no friends. My old friends had moved on with their lives.

I was stuck without a job, without a career, without my ONLY best friend, and WITHOUT A BOYFRIEND. and let me tell you...I had never even HAD a boyfriend, but OH did I want one. I was so sick of being single I could literally puke at the thought of it, but then I didn't want to date any of the guys I had ever even remotely come in contact with. So I just went to lots of clubs. And I met scumbags.

Didn't do much for my self esteem.

**MIS-STEP/NOT REGRET #3**

In February I attended a church group activity.

I was playing the game "signs when I locked eyes with my "husband-to-be".

He was playing black jack. (without actually gambling anything.)

And he invited me to go watch Nacho Libre and make Nacho's.

So I did.

We ended up playing mario kart.

**SMART MOVE #1**

Smart - because it led me to the man of my dreams and because at the time I was a lot closer to NOT going than I was to actually going. My decision was based on an "Oh, what the heck" mentality. I had nothing to lose. Thank heavens I left my stupid brain at the door and got in the car with my future husband. 

It could have ended differently.

To be honest, I was afraid of going to hang out with him and his friends.

I hadn't hung out with anyone in over a month! But on the other hand,

I hadn't hung out with anyone in over a month!...so I won't lie, I was excited to see what would happen. We saw each other every day after that.

He was my first (and now my only) Valentine.

Our first kiss was on Valentines Day (exactly 10 days after we met).

We then broke up about 3 times. Okay I lied. WE is not the right word here.

I broke up with HIM 3 times.

What can I say? I had never had an official boyfriend (by my own choice, thank you)

because I didn't want to start something just to have it end. How was I supposed to go from being a nervous wreck when it came to relationships, then all of a sudden be willing to have a ring glued to my left hand?

The third time we broke up, Casey was insistent that we still be friends. I refused.

He begged me to AT LEAST come watch his show he was dancing in at the time (Odyssey Dance Theatre's rendition of "Romeo and Juliet"). After talking and thinking it over, I agreed to go. ONLY if he promised to not tell his parents we had broken up.

I was going to have to ride to the show with them and spend the whole evening with them. The least he could do is make sure it wasn't incredibly awkward.

That night, Casey was SO respectful of my decision not to be romantically involved with him. Watching the show was bad enough. Here I am, being a stubborn brat because i'm so scared of being in a relationship, and here is my ex lover

dancing it up all sexy on the stage with all these gorgeous long-haired-skinny-more-talent-in-their-left-pinky (who I now know and love) dancer girls. Then AFTER the show even MORE girls are coming up and getting pictures with him, trying to talk to him, and I CANT EVEN HOLD HIS HAND. Because he wasn't mine anymore.

I was jealous. WHY WAS I JEALOUS! I thought I didn't like this person?

I have never been more frustrated in my whole life.

To make it even better, Casey's parents -who still had no idea that we had broken up-

asked us to go to dinner with them after the show

....awkward...

Because if we didn't go, they would know something was up and it would be even MORE awkward. So we went to dinner at the Training Table, where Casey's parents gawked at how "perfect" we were together. Then they insisted on taking pictures of us together and "in love". So Casey and I are having to fake our relationship for about an hour and a half, smiling all cutesy in pictures, and letting Casey hold my hand, just so Casey's parents wouldn't be sad. While, to their dismay, we weren't even together!

That was supposed to be our absolute last night seeing each other. HA!

Boy did I have an overwhelming change of heart that night. Seeing what I was missing out on. His amazing family. His respect for me and my decisions. His INCREDIBLE talent. His insane ability to make me the most jealous ex girlfriend on the planet. HIM!(I still tell him I only married him because he seduced me with his dance moves)I was in for it. The next day, I left work early and, since I didn't have a car at the time, RODE THE BUS from Lindon to Kingsbury Hall so I could see him.

and then I asked if I could be his girlfriend.

The night after the second show he took me home and I cried like a pansy

and whimpered "I think I love you." His response? "I LOVE YOU TOO." Look at that....he didn't even have to think about it :).

**SMART MOVE #2**

He asked me to marry him on June 6th, 2011.

(By this time I already had my dress...I was just waiting for the RING to go with it!) We set a date for September 2nd, 2011. And we were married. I was married.

 I found something that lasted... FINALLY!

**SMART MOVE #3**

If you can't tell, there is a pattern here.

Half the time I'm right, the other half I am wrong.

But what doesn't change in all 6 of these instances,

is I absolutely 100% positively

learned something that CHANGED MY LIFE for the better.

And I don't regret ONE SINGLE THING.

Now, My husband and I, of all people, are NO experts on how to create success.

 But, what I CAN tell you, is that we are EXPERTS on trying new things;

regardless of the risk, regardless of what other people say or think.

We are on a MISSION! to accomplish the extraordinary!

And you can bet you're bottom dollar that we will do just that. 

Early to bed, early SUPRISE!!!

I have a habit of sleeping in awkward places. Like on the floor under my desk at work, for example. Or on the bleachers at an indoor soccer game. But it's all good because as Wilson Mizener once said, "the amount of sleep required by the average person is five minutes more." so, therefore, I am completely justified in sleeping wherever I want, because it is REQUIRED of me. :) at least I don't walk or talk (or pee, for that matter) while I am sleeping. My glorious husband both walks AND talks in his sleep, sometimes simultaneously. (but no, he does not pee, thankfully). It is quite entertaining if I am going to be completely honest. At first it was just down right hilarious but now, I'm almost so used to it, I don't even laugh. I just watch, listen, make a mental note of what he is doing, and then go back to sleep. It's funny because he never remembers what he is doing or what he has been dreaming about. Man, I wish I was that deep of a sleeper. He's like a zombie...
Speaking of zombies, there was one night, about a week after our honeymoon, when we had to house sit Casey's sisters house while she and her husband were in Arizona. Casey had stayed up late to play Dead Island with his brother on x-box live, so I climbed upstairs and into bed. Several hours later, I wake up to Casey scrambling for his pillow and carefully sliding off the pillow case. "babe, what are you doing?" I say. He sits there silent for a long time, then slowly stands up and proceeds to fold his pillowcase very neatly. "someone spilled water on my pillowcase." he says, inching his way towards the door. "I'm going to have to go downstairs and get a new one." "okay whatever" I think to myself, too tired to realize that it didn't make sense that only his pillowcase would be wet and not his entire pillow...but he continued "well I'm going to have to take all the weapons with me, so you are going to have to protect yourself." "WHAT?? Casey, are you awake?" at this point I was praying he was asleep. because it finally clicked that he said 'someone' got his pillow wet and he was acting like he needed to be prepared for whatever was downstairs... So was someone in the house?? "Casey, Are you awake? What's wrong?" (im whispering now, trying to keep quiet.) still no response. He stands there for a long time with a blank expression on his face, and finally says " I played that game for way too long last night." and goes back to sleep, with nothing more to say concerning the matter. I wanted to laugh out loud, but I was so dang tired, my stomach couldn't muffle out the puffs of air. I just rolled over, gently rubbed his arm and mumbled "love ya." then promptly fell asleep.

Now there are plenty other occasions where the same sort of nonsense has happened, but none have been as memorable, or frightening as that particular night. Often times I will wake up to him repeating his work script "thank you for calling career institute, this is Casey. I apologize but we don't offer that program, is there anything else you'd be looking to study?" or reffereeing unruly soccer games. " gentlemen, gentlemen, calm down....play on."
I am determined to get a recorder and post all his rankings on YouTube.
Oh boy I love him hahaha he keeps me happy even when I'm unconscious. and THAT, my friends, is something to be very, very proud of.
I am one lucky girl!!

Hey guys, am I cool?

Today I want to talk about being cool. And since I am most likely the expert at this, I thought I woud give you all some pointers...

Okay fine I'm lying. I'm not the expert at being cool. I'm just somewhat good at not being a complete idiot....actually maybe not even that. I think for the most part I'm just really good at spotting OTHER idiots. And you know what they say..."it takes one to know one"..
We all have our moments though, right??
That's why I never talk to anyone about politics. Because I never know what I'm talking about. And from what I've learned in my long and drab life, unless you want to live a life of misery and woe, you should NOT get involved in a political debate unless you are exceedingly learned in politics. You will be eaten alive.
Anyways. I need to inform the blogging universe of some things. For one I am no longer worried about what I am going to do after I grow up, get married, and have children. If I DO end up jarring food for the rest of my life, that's okay. Because my grandma does that and she makes some darn good homemade jam. For two, I actually got married two months ago. I know, that's unreal, right?! Its been about a year since my last post (this post is looong over due, I know) and after spending several years feeling like I was running in circles looking for something to make my life useful, I finally found it. And guess what- it all just fell right into my lap like a bead of sweat on a hot day. Ew that was a gross comparison. I'm sorry....im not deleting it though because I can't think of anything else to say. So read it and weep, stupid.

Regardless, my husband (yes, I have one of those) is great. More posts about him to come, don't you even werr-ayy. That was my gangster way of saying worry. Being a gangster is another fool proof way of being cool. Especially if you're white.
Okay so let's see how much we've learned today, kids.

To be cool:
1. Don't discuss politics unless you are politically literate.
2. Marry Casey Harward ( sorry ladies and gents... That one is going to be kind of hard to do. I guess I'm going to be one point cooler than everyone.)
3. Be a gangster.
like this guy, for example:

except just try to be a lot less like a forefather.

It's pretty simple-izzle if you ask mizzle fo shizzle.
And since no one can follow the second rule, except me, all you have to worry about is being a gangster who is indifferent about politics!

Well, it's about tiggety time for me to go now home slices. Don't vote....or do. Whatever.

cheater cheater pumpkin eater.

Wow, did I have the wool pulled over my eyes or what?

Let me fill you in on whats been going on the past couple of days...(don't worry i'll condense it. I wouldn't want to bore you to death.)

So on friday, stephanie and I got tickets to the safetysuit concert. They're great live, by the way..possibly better than they are on cd.

Anyways, being at a concert with all of that high energy in the air and band roadies running all over the place reminded stephanie of an offer some musician made her a while back. He offered her a job selling merch and setting up interviews for him while he was on tour with colbie caillat and travy mcoy in EUROPE and AUSTRALIA. He said he was leaving in January, he had five spots open and he would love if stephanie would go. (I guess he's kind of got some kind of crush on her or something. He texts her all the time and I think he asked her to be his girlfriend once.)  So of course, steph's a great friend, and she calls him the next day and says "Hey, would it be alright if my friend maddie came with me? I don't really want to go alone and you said you had five spots open." and he said "Tell maddie to pack her bags :) she's in!" 

I was literally not breathing for maybe a minute. I was freaking out. He made it sound all legit! He said he owned some company called vyrus records that does some sort of software for apple and itunes and he supposedly made millions a year. So since he made SOO much money he was going to fly us there for free and pay for everything AND pay us for working on top of all of that. Sick, right? I know. I couldn't believe it myself. 

He then tells stephanie that he bought her a laptop so she could skype her family while she was away. Now it was getting kind of too good to be true. But THEN he tells us he's going to give us 50,000 dollars EACH for the job. He says "Oh its no big deal. I make like five times more money than that a year so its not a problem i would pay anyone that. I'm bringing you the checks tomorrow.." blah blah blah. We're not signing any contracts? We're just being literally HANDED 50 grand!? I don't know but I kind of feel like 50,000 is kind of a lotttt of money for being a roadie for four months ahhahaha. Now I know its probably not real.

In attempt to get to know this insanely rich man who just hands out money and tries to lure girls into flying all the way to europe for who knows what, I decided to check him out on the internet to see what he was all about...and also to make sure he wasn't some sort of con artist sex trafficing weirdo. So i type his name into google. "Ammon Malone". Remember, this guy is an awesome musician. Good enough to tour with colbie caillat in ireland. But intstead of finding some souped up website with tons of fans and views...pictures of shows, all that jazz, i find some poe-dunk page with like 92 views, no obvious fans and six demos.

so I listen to the demos....Surprise! he's horrible. His lyrics suck. His voice is underdeveloped. There's NO WAY he's going on some huge tour. funny joke, ammon! So i continue searching. I found some crappy youtube videos and then i find his "software company" vyrus records....HAHAHA you want to know what he does?! He has a small recording studio in provo called vyrus records. They charge 35 dollars an hour. YEAH BUDDY. YOU'RE MAKING MILLIONS.

what an idiot. 

oh don't worry its not over. I THEN find his blog. Now he told stephanie that he was married before. He's 25. Has two kids. BUT as of right now he is single and like I said, he has some kind of love interest with stephanie. He's tried to get her to go out with him a bunch of times and everything. She rejected him. What a smart girl!

Funny how the "single" creeps always manage to be so not. single. at. all.

I read over his blog. He divorced his first wife, yes. BUT around april or something he met a girl named Lacey Baird. Who just happened to be in mine and stephanies history class. She graduated with us and everything. Ammon and Lacey got married July 2nd 2010. 

Okay lets count the months here....July, August, September. OH WAIT. its only the 20th day into september. so thats what? two and 2/3 months? my guess is they're probably STILL MARRIED.

oh fancy that thought process....because what do you know? He's awesome wife ALSO has a blog. (she really is awesome. I feel horrible about this whole thing. What a scumbag) So i click on it. OH! WOW. monday september 20th 2010. she posted all about their trip to saint george and how amazing her husband was. how lucky she was to have him and how fun married life is. She also talked about how she got a new job so now her and ammon don't have to be as stressed about money. 

Just a thought, but maybe if ammon wasn't just handing out 50 grand to any stupid girl, they might not have to worry about finances. Oh wait...maybe they're stressed about money because THEY DON'T HAVE A LOT. and AMMON IS A LIAR. yep. got it. that makes more sense. 

I called stephanie who then texted ammon "tell me the truth right now. your married arent you?" and he just said "huh?" with a flood of other texts denying he was ever married to his FREAKING WIFE! "whos lacey?" wanna know what he said? "oh lacey? she's just some girl i dated a long time ago! i'm not married she's crazy!" WHAT AN A HOLE!

I can't believe this guy. he also went to jail for a week for i guess he says "not paying child support on time". okay sorry buddy, but you dont go to jail for a WHOLE WEEK for not paying child support. I'm not a cop but my guess is you might not go to jail for that at all. His record just says "failure to comply" I don't know exactly what that means but so far he's not very good at complying with a lot of things so i guess i can't be very surprised. I mean, he can't comply with being married, or giving me 50,000 dollars, or taking me to europe, or being talented......hahaha i'm sorry thats rude, he's talented....okay i'm lying.

(sidenote: ammon, if you're making so much green, why the overdue child support, you IDIOT!?)

Anyways. Turns out this guy is OBVIOUSLY a giant floozy. And I am bummed that I was stupid enough to fall for his really elaborate lies.

If I told you everything he said you would have believed it too, I promise. Even my parents believed it and they're grown, wise human beings. So thats saying something.

Point is, I hate getting my hopes up for going to Europe and Australia. It sucks. Okay its only happened this one time but I really, really hope it never happens again. But even more than me not being able to go on the trip of my dreams, and having to deal with the embarrassing task of having to tell everyone I bragged to that it was a scam, its even WORSE that this guy is getting away with cheating on his wife who clearly has no idea whats going on. Because she talks about how much she loves him every time she posts. and she just added a new post a second ago about how they painted his kid's rooms today and how blessed she is. And now I have to tell her about this whole thing. And I feel horrible.

I can't believe some people.

Poor girl.

I wish I had something important to say.

But, the sad truth is, I don't.

However, I do like to write. It gets my chaotic thoughts out of my head. Which is nice, because sometimes I think so much that I think my brain actually starts to ache...or at least tickle.

First of all, I would like you to know that I consider myself to have NO LIFE. As of right now and the past month I've been sitting in my living room or in my bed or in a friends car doing absolutely NOTHING productive. It doesn't feel that great. So, be warned. I might write a LOT. I'd be lying if I said I didn't have a lot of time on my hands. 

Today I was supposed to try to keep myself busy, but I stayed up late last night talking to my old friend Alex who just got back from summer sales, so I didn't wake up until 11:00 am. Gross? Yes. Then it set off my whole day to be lazy. I have a lack of motivation to the point of dreading even getting in the shower. I hate getting ready. So i've been sporting sweats and a sloppy up-do for the past five days hahah. I think the comfortable attire might be why I don't want to do anything besides sit. Hm.

I promise you, though, that I am not a complete failure. The only reason why I have had nothing going on in my life is because I just recently graduated massage therapy school at UCMT and I got screwed over with the test I have to take to get my license. So now I have to somehow re-earn 200 dollars with out a job, to be able to actually take the test. 

Its a long story. I might explain later. No promises, though.

So far I think I have about fifty bucks. My mom's been generous enough to add a bunch in there...Probably 48 dollars of it. All I can remember earning on my own was the 2 dollars plato's closet gave me for one measly pair of boots. (Gee, don't overdo yourself guys. I'll try not to spend all 8 quarters in one place.)

HA. How funny life is. But then again I feel like its so BORING. I got through grade school...got through college...now what? get married, right? WRONG. I'm not dating anyone. Although I would love to date. Just not have a boyfriend. Some say i'm picky...I think i'm just being smart. I don't like to get into a relationship with someone unless I think it's going to lead to marriage. I mean, sure I date around and I have a ton of friends but no one sparks my interest. No one clicks. But you know what they say, patience is a virtue, so I guess i'll wait around a little longer :) I am only 19. 

I just don't understand what i'm supposed to be doing with myself? What happens when I get married? I have kids? Then I take care of them, right? Then they grow up, move out, I retire...then what? I sit around all day with my husband who will probably just like to golf and i'll be stuck at home jarring food and making bread for my grandchildren. What a life. AH its so boring. Time is so LONG. Sometimes I wish I could get married, have kids, watch them grow up in maybe like a year or so and then just die. Because If there's anything I hate, its routines. and if there's anything i love its exciting fun things. Like amusement parks. Wow I sound like a bum.

I need to grow up.

I think thats my problem.