When I miscarried (continued)

Thursday July 28th, 2012

I don't know what to write about today. But I really want to make writing a habit, so even if I write pointless nonsense, at least i'm writing. :)

For the record, I did want to note that I have felt remarkably better the past couple of days. It's because I have been taking LifePak and Vitality. (Basically just the best multi-vitamins ever.) SO- FUTURE MADISON! REMEMBER TODAY! And be assured that if you fall back into a debilitating black hole, THOSE FEELINGS GO AWAY. They don't last forever. As never-ending and as hopeless as you sometimes feel, THOSE FEELINGS CANNOT AND DO NOT STAY. Past-you (aka me at this passing moment) feels GOOD and is POSITIVE. I am HAPPY. You have purpose and you always will, just sometimes when you get in silly ruts, you forget! And then, when you feel better, you wonder why you felt so low in the first place. You're welcome. :)

On another note, my wounded uterus has maybe (lets cross our fingers) stopped bleeding. Which is nice because today is the one week anniversary to my D&C procedure. Not really an anniversary that i'm keeping track of or want to remember, but i'm proud of myself for the progress i've made in the last seven days. The other day, I was having a hard time feeling like I was never going to get past this grieving process, and then I had to remember it had only been five days. I know I'm not done grieving by a long shot, but i'm glad the initial shock is over.

I can't explain that feeling to anyone. I guess only people who have miscarried can really understand. It's awful. 

I wanted that baby so bad. I was so excited every morning to look in the mirror and see my growing belly, even though the rest of me was getting fat. Every time I felt nauseous or crampy, it made me smile because I knew they were signs of a growing life. I was so excited for chubby cheeks and soft skin and morning jogs in the stroller. I was excited for diapers and late nights and even LABOR, for heavens sake. But I think I was most excited to see the look on my husband's face when he held our little creation for the first time.

If I could give my husband anything in this world, it would be that. He is going to be an astounding father. 

It is so hard knowing I lost all of that in an instant. I know I can try again later, and some would argue that it's not really "lost", but it is. 

Not lost forever, but lost for now, and that's enough.

Our little angel. We created it. we were growing a human being. A PERSON! I don't think people fully understand how miraculous that is. It's no wonder things go wrong. 

So I found out I was pregnant on May 6th. It could arguably be the best and exactly worst day of my life. Knowing what I know now. It was one of the happiest then,  but now looking back I sometimes wish I'd never gotten pregnant. Of course, we can't avoid trials and I am unbelievably grateful for the opportunity we had to conceive perfection for those short nine weeks. I love that baby. It's ours and it will be ours again. 

So I guess I don't really regret getting pregnant. I just hate not being prepared for things like this. I hate feeling it all. But after a few sessions with my therapist, being scared to feel things is another problem or "kink" I need to work out. 

It's all a blessing, then, that I don't have this perfect life to care for in my perfectly imperfect world. Maybe God let this happen because he wanted to let me appreciate his children on a deeper level before I raised one of them. Maybe he knew there were things that would come up out of nowhere that we would have to fix. Maybe he knew I was battling all sorts of emotional dysfunctions and there are some that would never have been addressed if I hadn't had a traumatic experience like a miscarriage. 
Maybe he had to scare me a little bit to make me more brave.

Of course he did. :) He knows everything. 

That's why he's GOD. and that's why I love him :) 

(Hey, look. I found something to write about.) 

GOODNIGHT!


Friday, June 29th 2012

I just talked to my grandma and sister for the past hour about my mom. My parents are going through a lot right now. I'll have to explain everything on a day when I have more time.

I just (also) went on a very long walk with my adorable husband. He always makes me feel better. He is one of the only people that can give me advice that i'll actually listen to. He makes so much sense. I love him.

And today our car putted up a hill. So we decided not to drive it until we can get it fixed. Which caused us to have to walk everywhere. Okay not everywhere, just to the movies to see Brave. (Which is basically in our front yard..) But I liked it. We should walk more often.

Two things I am grateful for today
1) That our car broke and we used our legs to get places :)
2) That I have actually been writing every day.