When I miscarried (continued)

Thursday July 28th, 2012

I don't know what to write about today. But I really want to make writing a habit, so even if I write pointless nonsense, at least i'm writing. :)

For the record, I did want to note that I have felt remarkably better the past couple of days. It's because I have been taking LifePak and Vitality. (Basically just the best multi-vitamins ever.) SO- FUTURE MADISON! REMEMBER TODAY! And be assured that if you fall back into a debilitating black hole, THOSE FEELINGS GO AWAY. They don't last forever. As never-ending and as hopeless as you sometimes feel, THOSE FEELINGS CANNOT AND DO NOT STAY. Past-you (aka me at this passing moment) feels GOOD and is POSITIVE. I am HAPPY. You have purpose and you always will, just sometimes when you get in silly ruts, you forget! And then, when you feel better, you wonder why you felt so low in the first place. You're welcome. :)

On another note, my wounded uterus has maybe (lets cross our fingers) stopped bleeding. Which is nice because today is the one week anniversary to my D&C procedure. Not really an anniversary that i'm keeping track of or want to remember, but i'm proud of myself for the progress i've made in the last seven days. The other day, I was having a hard time feeling like I was never going to get past this grieving process, and then I had to remember it had only been five days. I know I'm not done grieving by a long shot, but i'm glad the initial shock is over.

I can't explain that feeling to anyone. I guess only people who have miscarried can really understand. It's awful. 

I wanted that baby so bad. I was so excited every morning to look in the mirror and see my growing belly, even though the rest of me was getting fat. Every time I felt nauseous or crampy, it made me smile because I knew they were signs of a growing life. I was so excited for chubby cheeks and soft skin and morning jogs in the stroller. I was excited for diapers and late nights and even LABOR, for heavens sake. But I think I was most excited to see the look on my husband's face when he held our little creation for the first time.

If I could give my husband anything in this world, it would be that. He is going to be an astounding father. 

It is so hard knowing I lost all of that in an instant. I know I can try again later, and some would argue that it's not really "lost", but it is. 

Not lost forever, but lost for now, and that's enough.

Our little angel. We created it. we were growing a human being. A PERSON! I don't think people fully understand how miraculous that is. It's no wonder things go wrong. 

So I found out I was pregnant on May 6th. It could arguably be the best and exactly worst day of my life. Knowing what I know now. It was one of the happiest then,  but now looking back I sometimes wish I'd never gotten pregnant. Of course, we can't avoid trials and I am unbelievably grateful for the opportunity we had to conceive perfection for those short nine weeks. I love that baby. It's ours and it will be ours again. 

So I guess I don't really regret getting pregnant. I just hate not being prepared for things like this. I hate feeling it all. But after a few sessions with my therapist, being scared to feel things is another problem or "kink" I need to work out. 

It's all a blessing, then, that I don't have this perfect life to care for in my perfectly imperfect world. Maybe God let this happen because he wanted to let me appreciate his children on a deeper level before I raised one of them. Maybe he knew there were things that would come up out of nowhere that we would have to fix. Maybe he knew I was battling all sorts of emotional dysfunctions and there are some that would never have been addressed if I hadn't had a traumatic experience like a miscarriage. 
Maybe he had to scare me a little bit to make me more brave.

Of course he did. :) He knows everything. 

That's why he's GOD. and that's why I love him :) 

(Hey, look. I found something to write about.) 

GOODNIGHT!


Friday, June 29th 2012

I just talked to my grandma and sister for the past hour about my mom. My parents are going through a lot right now. I'll have to explain everything on a day when I have more time.

I just (also) went on a very long walk with my adorable husband. He always makes me feel better. He is one of the only people that can give me advice that i'll actually listen to. He makes so much sense. I love him.

And today our car putted up a hill. So we decided not to drive it until we can get it fixed. Which caused us to have to walk everywhere. Okay not everywhere, just to the movies to see Brave. (Which is basically in our front yard..) But I liked it. We should walk more often.

Two things I am grateful for today
1) That our car broke and we used our legs to get places :)
2) That I have actually been writing every day.

When I miscarried

So this post is going to be a doozy.

I might sound a little depressing because i'm going to be posting some old journal entries I wrote a few months ago. Right after my miscarriage. I just think it was an incredibly important time in my life. and one I don't ever want to forget. I want to remember every detail.

Does that sound weird? It probably does. It was a traumatic event! Who wants to remember things like that?

Well, welcome to my life haha. I don't like to forget the scary stuff, because the scary parts of life are what teach us the best lessons. If we forget what we were afraid of, we might repeat the fear and be scared again.

Remembering everything helps me to also remember why I am now a better person. It helps me remember that there is nothing to be scared of anymore when it comes to pregnancy because i've already suffered the worst thing, and I got through it :)

So here goes.

Tuesday June 26th, 2012

Technically, it's WEDNESDAY the 27th, because it's maybe 12:45 AM, but i'm not big on technicalities so lets just forget about it.

OH BOY.

I haven't written in a journal for probably a year or two. I've been married for almost 10 months now. My husband just started breathing heavy while looking at his phone, which probably means he's fallen asleep while holding it in his hands....

...yep.

        I know him too well :)

Do I need to introduce myself? Because i'll be honest, I'm definitely not the type to talk to my journal like it's a person, but I do believe one day, SOMEONE will get their hands on it. So I feel like I need to make sense of everything so that person doesn't get confused. So, if you are perchance reading this right now, i'm not going to tell you to stop. Heck, we all know you won't anyways. In fact, I actually am going to encourage you to keep reading. Because I think all of us in the back of our minds secretly want people to see even our most private thoughts. Because then, they would see us for exactly who we really are. Or at least that's how I feel... I just think it would be nice not to have to explain myself to people. Besides that, probably the first thing to know about me is that I am NOT a very private person. So be prepared to hear some good stuff.

Wednesday June 27th (officially)

My name is Madison Anne Lyman Harward.

I am 21 years old. I will be 22 years old on October 17th.

My husband's name is Casey Scott Harward.

He is 25. He will be 26 on July 9th. (That's in 12 days)

The reason he bought me this journal is because he and I thought it might be a good idea to get my thoughts out on paper. Remember how I said I wasn't a very private person? Well, the down side of that is that it makes me a very openly emotional person.

And the reason why i've been (justifiably) increasingly emotional lately is because we just lost our nine week old baby...

In other words, I had a miscarriage. One week and two days ago.

To be honest, I don't even know where to start with my emotions. Writing them down helps, but for some reason i'm noticing my mind draws a blank every time I pick up the pen. 

Today, however, was a very good day. Casey and I went to Seven Peaks. It felt good to walk a lot and go on all of the slides. It was nice to be reminded that I can still be happy. Until today I really doubted my ability to be happy again. Or at least until I had another chance at a baby. 

I know I will get that chance again someday. And when that day is exactly, I have no idea. You'd think it wouldn't be that way because the decision to try for a baby is completely within our control. But I want to makes sure I'm ready. 

Which isn't like me. At all.

I am so impatient, I drive myself crazy. Usually, I let my emotions control my decisions. But this isn't just ME i'm dealing with in this situation. I'm having to respect my husband's thoughts on the matter as well, besides the fact that we are timing a HUMAN BEING'S LIFE. And if Casey and I aren't mentally or physically prepared to take care of that life yet, we need to wait.

I don't want to just jump into having another baby just because I think it would cover up or get rid of the heartache I have about losing this one. Even though part of me believes it would. 

It's not fair to me or that baby.

I know I have to let myself grieve, but it is SO much harder than people think. Don't get me wrong, feeling sad isn't hard. That's kind of human nature. It's our "default". We naturally go to those feelings during hard times. In my eyes, it's a million times harder to force myself to be HAPPY than it is to just be nothing. Just to feel nothing. Because we, as humans, can do that too. We can shut out our feelings if we want to and not feel at all. But "nothing" isn't necessarily a good feeling either. Because that's when you are numb.

It's just really hard because these sad feelings don't go away during a time like this.

They just keep coming and you can't turn them off.

I mean you can try but it's hard to keep them off. There are far too many things that signal the "on" switch.

It's like being in a room full of  THOUSANDS of light switches. All of the light switches are turned on. There is only ONE off switch clear at the end of the room in the midst of all the other ON switches. So first, you have to FIND the off switch, then you have to have enough energy to keep running to the end of the giant room to just turn everything off. (and it doesn't stay off for long.)

My brain doesn't have that kind of energy.

Because (here's your first big secret) I suffer with a little bit of depression. So my brain has to work about 10 times as hard to be as happy as a normal person. It gets exhausting. Sometimes it's easy to just sit and cry!

But you want to hear the cool part? I didn't cry today!

Finally a post about my husband.

Here we are 

:)

This was maybe the 2nd picture taken of us on September 2nd, 2011.Minutes after we had sealed the deal!We were finally married.

Now, I say finally, but it really wasn't all that long of a wait.

I, myself, am 21 years old (barely) and my husband is 25.

We met on February 4th, 2011.

No, that was not a typo. We met in 2011, we got married in 2011.

I guess you could say we are PRO at making quick decisions.

But, I can promise you, that decision alone was the best decision I have ever made in my entire life. And no amount of tears, years, or fears is going to make me think otherwise.

My name is Madison Lyman Harward.

As I mentioned, I am 21 years old.

In 2010 I graduated from the Utah College of Massage Therapy.

I graduated, but legally, I am not allowed to perform massage in Utah.

Thats because my licensing didn't go through and I have not yet had any money to re-pay for the darn test in order to get licensed.

And to be quite honest, I dont love massage enough to want to spend any more money on it than I already have. We will list that as my wonderful

**MIS-STEP/NOT REGRET #1**

Mistep - because I probably wish I would have just gotten myself into regular school instead of wasting 12,000 dollars and a year of my time on something I would eventually not have enough of a passion for.

Not regret - because I believe that I learned more about myself and what I DO want to do in that years time than I ever have in the other 20 years of my life.

Shortly after graduating,I moved up to Rexburg, Idaho with my best friend Jaimee.

I wanted to go to a real college and study things that gave me purpose.

Unfortunately, I didn't get my application into BYU-I in time, and was forced to live in off campus housing, work two jobs in Idaho Falls, and NOT get incredibly homesick all at the same time. I moved home two months later.

I blamed it on the weather.

**MIS-STEP/NOT REGRET #2**

After moving home, I had no friends. My old friends had moved on with their lives.

I was stuck without a job, without a career, without my ONLY best friend, and WITHOUT A BOYFRIEND. and let me tell you...I had never even HAD a boyfriend, but OH did I want one. I was so sick of being single I could literally puke at the thought of it, but then I didn't want to date any of the guys I had ever even remotely come in contact with. So I just went to lots of clubs. And I met scumbags.

Didn't do much for my self esteem.

**MIS-STEP/NOT REGRET #3**

In February I attended a church group activity.

I was playing the game "signs when I locked eyes with my "husband-to-be".

He was playing black jack. (without actually gambling anything.)

And he invited me to go watch Nacho Libre and make Nacho's.

So I did.

We ended up playing mario kart.

**SMART MOVE #1**

Smart - because it led me to the man of my dreams and because at the time I was a lot closer to NOT going than I was to actually going. My decision was based on an "Oh, what the heck" mentality. I had nothing to lose. Thank heavens I left my stupid brain at the door and got in the car with my future husband. 

It could have ended differently.

To be honest, I was afraid of going to hang out with him and his friends.

I hadn't hung out with anyone in over a month! But on the other hand,

I hadn't hung out with anyone in over a month!...so I won't lie, I was excited to see what would happen. We saw each other every day after that.

He was my first (and now my only) Valentine.

Our first kiss was on Valentines Day (exactly 10 days after we met).

We then broke up about 3 times. Okay I lied. WE is not the right word here.

I broke up with HIM 3 times.

What can I say? I had never had an official boyfriend (by my own choice, thank you)

because I didn't want to start something just to have it end. How was I supposed to go from being a nervous wreck when it came to relationships, then all of a sudden be willing to have a ring glued to my left hand?

The third time we broke up, Casey was insistent that we still be friends. I refused.

He begged me to AT LEAST come watch his show he was dancing in at the time (Odyssey Dance Theatre's rendition of "Romeo and Juliet"). After talking and thinking it over, I agreed to go. ONLY if he promised to not tell his parents we had broken up.

I was going to have to ride to the show with them and spend the whole evening with them. The least he could do is make sure it wasn't incredibly awkward.

That night, Casey was SO respectful of my decision not to be romantically involved with him. Watching the show was bad enough. Here I am, being a stubborn brat because i'm so scared of being in a relationship, and here is my ex lover

dancing it up all sexy on the stage with all these gorgeous long-haired-skinny-more-talent-in-their-left-pinky (who I now know and love) dancer girls. Then AFTER the show even MORE girls are coming up and getting pictures with him, trying to talk to him, and I CANT EVEN HOLD HIS HAND. Because he wasn't mine anymore.

I was jealous. WHY WAS I JEALOUS! I thought I didn't like this person?

I have never been more frustrated in my whole life.

To make it even better, Casey's parents -who still had no idea that we had broken up-

asked us to go to dinner with them after the show

....awkward...

Because if we didn't go, they would know something was up and it would be even MORE awkward. So we went to dinner at the Training Table, where Casey's parents gawked at how "perfect" we were together. Then they insisted on taking pictures of us together and "in love". So Casey and I are having to fake our relationship for about an hour and a half, smiling all cutesy in pictures, and letting Casey hold my hand, just so Casey's parents wouldn't be sad. While, to their dismay, we weren't even together!

That was supposed to be our absolute last night seeing each other. HA!

Boy did I have an overwhelming change of heart that night. Seeing what I was missing out on. His amazing family. His respect for me and my decisions. His INCREDIBLE talent. His insane ability to make me the most jealous ex girlfriend on the planet. HIM!(I still tell him I only married him because he seduced me with his dance moves)I was in for it. The next day, I left work early and, since I didn't have a car at the time, RODE THE BUS from Lindon to Kingsbury Hall so I could see him.

and then I asked if I could be his girlfriend.

The night after the second show he took me home and I cried like a pansy

and whimpered "I think I love you." His response? "I LOVE YOU TOO." Look at that....he didn't even have to think about it :).

**SMART MOVE #2**

He asked me to marry him on June 6th, 2011.

(By this time I already had my dress...I was just waiting for the RING to go with it!) We set a date for September 2nd, 2011. And we were married. I was married.

 I found something that lasted... FINALLY!

**SMART MOVE #3**

If you can't tell, there is a pattern here.

Half the time I'm right, the other half I am wrong.

But what doesn't change in all 6 of these instances,

is I absolutely 100% positively

learned something that CHANGED MY LIFE for the better.

And I don't regret ONE SINGLE THING.

Now, My husband and I, of all people, are NO experts on how to create success.

 But, what I CAN tell you, is that we are EXPERTS on trying new things;

regardless of the risk, regardless of what other people say or think.

We are on a MISSION! to accomplish the extraordinary!

And you can bet you're bottom dollar that we will do just that.